Why I Do What I Do

I feel like if you were to meet me on the street one of the things you would immediately notice is my beard.  I have recently felt the insatiable desire to grow my beard out, and have yet to fully determine what a good stopping point might be.  So I just keep letting it go.  It has begun to move from a Fully Clean Fully Full into an Intimidation/Look What I Can Do beard - much to the chagrin of my beloved wife.  It has gotten to the point where I feel a sense of comfort and warmth as I gaze upon it, and as a result I feel compelled to speak on my happiness.  So my hope with this post is to explain each of my four types of beard classifications as well as clue the world into why one might pursue bearded bliss. 

The first, and perhaps most widely recognized as "socially acceptable", is the Fully Clean Fully Full version.  I tend to reference these beards as "commanding beards" - because I feel they command a certain amount of respect towards the individual who has donned the facial masterpiece.  

A good judge of the Fully Clean Fully Full is this:  The beard urges - nay - compels you to follow every order of the person wearing it.

I have found a few examples of those people whom I believe have "commanding beards". 

John Smoltz...thank you for the opportunity to follow your orders.

Casey Blake...your beard was the only thing ever worth "witnessing" in Cleveland.

The second, and perhaps slightly less widely appreciated, is the Natural Tendency approach.  These beards are worn because it just makes sense.  The people wearing these beards literally exited the womb with them.  I am sure you know someone with a Natural Tendency beard.  I have included a few examples.

Baron Davis...having shaved five minutes before this picture was taken.

Zach Galifianakas...sporting the same beard he had when he was 3.

The third beard one could potentially attempt is the Decoy.  Perhaps considered more of a personality trait, the Decoy is typically worn by people that can grow amazing beards but often times "go chameleon" and chop them off.  Though spectacular when viewed, they are unpredictable at best.  I found a couple that I was pretty excited about - a few men who created a comedic gem at an early age.  Little did they know that old age would spring the arrival of a glorious bearded reunion.

Dumb

Dumber

The fourth, and perhaps most exciting, is the Intimidation/Look What I Can Do beard.  The purpose of this beard is simply to impress upon the masses an understanding that the wearer of said beard could care less about what is residing on their chin.

Now I know that when I reveal my two pictures the immediate thought will be, "Wait, don't those guys spend tons of time growing out their beards and even grooming them?  How is that a 'care-less' attitude?"  

My response is to ask you to think deeper into the matter.  At a certain point one must consider that an Intimidation/Look What I Can Do beard can take months and potentially years to grow.  The wearer has therefore spent each and every day skipping the process of shaving almost entirely, and has therefore afforded more time to focus on other more pressing and important matters.  Like being one of the best closers in the game.  Or being the only player worth any sort of recognition on the worst team in all of professional sports (The Pittsburgh Steelers).  Or in my case worrying more about glorifying God than shaving my face.  

So I leave you with a couple of my favorites, and I hope that in viewing these you might come somewhat closer to understanding why I do what I do.  Because seriously, what else could I be doin' right now?

Seriously, how can anyone focus on the baseball?

The only semi-acceptable thing Pittsburgh has to offer.